To Be, Or Not to Be, That Is the Wrong Play
by Anonymississippi
Summary: It's theatre time at Bonnie's, and Mr. Pricklepants is determined to direct a Shakespearean play. Rehearsal leads to some flirting between two toys that managed to secure two lead roles. Shakespearean references galore! T for safety more than content.


_I'm back... *cues creepy music* No, just kidding. For those of you who read Deluded Buzz, I mentioned that I might be returning with a one shot or two surrounding a certain couple in the Toy Story universe. So, here it is. A product of an intensive literature class that I took this summer. Hopefully, it will spark some interest in Shakespeare's material (as if he needed my help). Reviews are always appreciated. I hope yall enjoy this little piece. Set in Bonnie's room once the toys have been settled for a while, so, **minimal spoilers for TS3.** Oh yes, and I don't own Toy Story, Twelfth Night, A Midsummer Night's Dream, or Romeo and Juliet. Some belongs to Pixar and the other to Shakespeare. I'll let you figure out which._

"Everyone, please, settle! Settle!" Mr. Pricklepants was standing on an elevated book that doubled as a stage, directing all the toys in Bonnie's room. "The cast list for the production of Shakespeare's _Twelfth Night _reads as follows-"

"Hey! I thought we were doing _Hamm_let! Get it Slink, _Hammlet,_" Hamm nudged Slinky in the shoulder.

"We just finished the dramatic portion of this season's community theatre, dear pig. However, we shall have _Hamlet_ as the opener for next season if we have enough interest. Now, back to the cast list: Viola and Cesario will be played by Jessie."

"Now hold your horses there, Mr. Porcupine," Jessie said.

"I am a hedgehog," Mr. Pricklepants said indignantly.

"I'm sure you are, little fellow. But how am I gonna play two different people in the same show, huh? Was this Shakespeare fellow off his rocker?"

"Does anyone here even know the story behind this play?" Mr. Pricklepants asked. The toys mumbled and shuffled their feet; all clearly hoping someone else would speak up. "But all of you read several scenes for auditions! How could you really dig into a character you knew absolutely nothing about?"

There were a few more mumbles and the crowd started to thin as the toys suddenly became very preoccupied with the newest board game Bonnie had received from her grandmother.

"Right, well, as the resident thespian, I feel it is my duty to relay the beauty and genius that is Shakespeare to the masses. First off, I need to speak with my principles."

"What does that mean?" Woody asked.

"My leads! That would be… you, fine sheriff, Mr. Lightyear, Miss Jessie, Miss Dolly, and I need my Feste. Who was the clown? Oh yes! Buttercup, please join the other leads downstage."

"Where's that, Pricky?" Buttercup teased.

"There," he said, pointing to the front of the stage. Buttercup trotted up to join Buzz, Jessie, Dolly, and Woody.

"I take it he gets a little… carried away with some of his productions," Buzz whispered to Buttercup.

"Yea, you could say that. Or obsessed, overly critical, fixated, fanatical-"

"I think he's got it, Buttercup," Dolly interrupted. "We just have to remind him that these are for fun, and we aren't professionals or anything. I mean, don't get me wrong, the shows are always a hit. But Mr. Pricklepants was manufactured in some place called Hummana Hummana-shire, where I thought hobbits lived, but apparently it's in England. Pricky claims Shakespeare because of his 'British' roots." Dolly used air quotes to emphasize _British roots_, which seemed rather comical coming from a toy with no fingers.

"You better watch yourself, Dolly," Woody said. "Here comes the director."

Mr. Pricklepants scurried over to the assembled toys. He used a playing card and a paperclip as a makeshift clipboard, but had various sheets of notes and set sketches covering the Ace of hearts. He pulled up a block with a D on it and sat down in a huff.

"Does that stand for 'director' or 'dictator'?" Buttercup sniggered to no one in particular.

"Hello everyone. I would like to apologize for seeming disgruntled earlier. I only meant to incite some sort of fervor within you toys, that way you may truly grasp the concept that is my… eh hem, Shakespeare's vision."

When no one responded to his brief monologue, Mr. Pricklepants continued. "Now, because you fail to have any knowledge of this plot, I will do my best to give a brief summary. As you may know, this show is a comedy. However, it is rife with romantic entanglements, stimulating action, and confusion galore. The players must remain acutely aware of the situation at all times, otherwise the characters become befuddled and the entire production ends in misery."

"Why did you pick something so hard?" Dolly asked.

"Well, I wanted to challenge our new arrivals!" Pricklepants replied, as if it were the most natural response in the world. "Of course, we want to include them in our games; I merely thought it a chance to extend my own brand of hospitality. Moving on, the plot centers around Viola-"

"That's me!" Jessie said excitedly.

"Yes, dear, it very well is. She is rescued by a sea captain in a foreign nation, and must find a way to provide for herself. She fears her brother has drowned at sea, and in a roundabout fashion, ends up disguising herself as a man named Cesario to work for the Duke of Orsino, who will be played by… Ah, yes, Mr. Lightyear."

Buzz, who had been staring off into space, piped up when he heard his name.

"Yes, that's me…" Buzz shifted uncomfortably, suddenly very afraid that he might have to wear tights for this role.

"Now hold your horses their little fella'," Jessie said. "Go back. You mean I have to pretend to be a guy? How's that gonna work?"

"With the proper costuming, lighting, and blocking, you will not only look like Cesario but you will truly BE Cesario. Besides, your physique matches that of the good sheriff here, who will be cast as your brother, Sebastian."

"I guess I'm just plum' mixed up. I though you said the brother drowned!" Jessie retorted.

"No, I said Viola _thought_ her brother drowned. Big difference."

"So Woody's my brother, I'm working for Buzz, but what about the rest of the gang here?" Jessie asked.

"Please hold your questions until the end of my summarization, and if you are still confused, I will be happy to re-explain."

Jessie plopped down in Indian-style so she could look up at Mr. Pricklepants.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Just settling in. I've got a feeling this is gonna take a while."

All of the other toys followed her example, sitting on Bonnie's floor while Mr. Pricklepants remained onstage.

"Now, the Duke is attempting to woo Olivia, who will be played by Dolly. However, Olivia will have none of it. She finds herself attracted to Cesario, but doesn't know that Cesario is really Viola. Olivia accidentally finds Sebastian (who did not drown) and mistakes him for Cesario, leading to an impromptu marriage between Viola's brother and the woman Orsino was attempting to woo."

"Wait, now I'm confused," Woody chimed in.

"Of course you are," Pricklepants sighed.

"You're saying that Jessie's gonna dress up like a guy, and work for Buzz. Am I right so far?" Woody asked.

"Yes, you seem to grasp the concept."

"And while Jessie's dressed up like a guy, Dolly's gonna fall for her… um, him?"

"Correct."

"And, then I'm back from the dead…"

"You were never dead in the first place, sheriff!"

"Right, well I'm back, I mean, my character Sebastian is back, and Dolly's character thinks I'm Jessie... well Viola, no, Cesario! So she makes me marry her?"

"Precisely!" Pricklepants said. "Now just what about that is confusing?"

"Um… everything," Buttercup said.

"Ugh! This is quite frustrating. This is what you get for not reading the script." Pricklepants jumped off stage and began tugging on Woody's arm. "You, sheriff, marry the fair Olivia," he dragged Woody over to where Dolly was standing. "And you, Spaceman Orsino, marry Viola, when you figure out she's a woman, not a man," he dragged Buzz over to Jessie. "And you," he said, pointing to Buttercup, "are just here for comic relief!"

"That's what they tell me," the unicorn replied.

"Calm down, Pricky," Dolly said. "Don't get your lederhosen in a bunch. The plot's a little confusing, but we can work it out."

Pricklepants merely sat down and put his face in his paws. "I'm just hoping to prevent a repeat of the _Midsummer Night's Dream_ debacle of '08."

"What was the debacle of '08?" Jessie whispered to Dolly.

"Mr. Pricklepants went to a dark place for a while. We don't like to talk about it."

"Yes well, this has all been well and good, but I've really got to figure out what I've signed up for here," Buttercup said. "I'm going to go… um, read the script, and I'll see you guys tomorrow for rehearsal." He turned around and ran off in Bullseye's direction, leaving his script underneath the stage.

"Oh goodness," Mr. Pricklepants said. "We're going to have to push opening night back, I just know it! We will reconvene tomorrow at 10 a.m. while Bonnie is at day care, and I expect every one of you to have read at least half the script by then. Players dismissed."

The four remaining toys turned around and started walking toward the toy basket.

"Oh no, he's curling up in his ball again," Dolly said.

Jessie looked over her shoulder and saw that Mr. Pricklepants had indeed curled into a tight little ball and was slowly rocking back and forth. She thought she heard a labored "Lysander" coming from the little hedgehog, but she couldn't be certain.

"I better go uncurl him. That _Midsummer _catastrophe still hits him pretty hard." Dolly turned around and headed toward the whimpering Mr. Pricklepants. "Come on, Pricky," Dolly called. "The donkey head wasn't _that_ bad."

Jessie, Woody and Buzz passed a few confusing looks between themselves.

"This whole show is either gonna be really great or really horrible," Woody muttered. "I guess I should do my part by actually reading the script." He ambled back to the stage and picked up one of the scripts that Pricklepants had painstakingly transcribed from a less-than-legitimate website. He found himself a corner and sat down on one of the alphabet blocks.

"Well, you know what we have to do," Buzz said to Jessie.

"Yeah, go check out that new board game that everybody's playin'!"

"No, good try though," Jessie crossed her arms and gave a playful pout in Buzz's direction. "We need to read it, too. Come on, we'll do one of our scenes together that way you can get motivated."

"Fine," Jessie said. "But I still don't think I understand ANY of this show. The whole thing's clear as mud." She stomped back over to the stage and grabbed two copies of _Twelfth Night_.

Buzz dragged two alphabet blocks around the corner of Bonnie's dresser. They couldn't see any of the other toys from their spot, and Buzz thought it best to remove Jessie from any distractions. Out of sight, out of mind seemed to work well with her. He heard a yodel and poked his head out from behind the dresser.

"Over here, Jessie!" he called.

She headed over to him, casting longing looks back at the rest of the crowd who was still playing Bonnie's new game. Buzz thought he heard her mumble something like "I'll shake ole' Shakespeare," but he couldn't be certain.

"Alright," Buzz said, in a very take-charge manner. "Let's start out with act one, scene four. Let me see…" Buzz ran a plastic finger down along the page, looking for a long bit of dialogue between Orsino and Viola. "Here, line 28. You start."

Jessie stared down at the page and searched for line 28. "_I think not so, my lord_."

"See, that wasn't so hard."

"That was six words, Buzz."

"Yes, well, better six than zero. My turn…

'_Dear lad, believe it/ For they shall yet belie thy happy years/ That say thou art a man. Diana's lip/ Is not more smooth and rubious;'_," Buzz brushed his plastic finger over Jessie's lip. Her eyes widened ever so slightly.

"_thy small pipe/ Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,_" He ran his fingers along her throat, causing her to sit much straighter. She mentally forced herself to not extend her neck further.

_ "'And all is semblative a woman's part./ I know thy constellation is right apt/ For this affair'._" He slowly ran his hand down the seam on her arm.

"_'Some four or five attend him./ All if you will, for I myself am best/ When least in company. Prosper well in this/ And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,/ To call his fortunes thine'._"

Jessie stared at him, speechless. She remembered words, something about rubies, and organs, and stars.

"Um, Jessie."

Buzz shook her arm and tried to rouse her from her reverie.

"Yes, right… my turn." She quickly scanned the page to find her place. "_I'll do my best/ To woo your lady- yet a barful strife-/ Whoe'er I woo,_" she paused before saying the next line. "_myself would be his wife._"

She looked up to see Buzz smirking at her. She wasn't positive, but it was almost as if he had deliberately picked that scene for them to rehearse.

"So, erm…" she started. "What does all of that mean?"

"Well, Orsino, that's me, is trying to get Ceasrio, that's you, to go and tell Olivia how much Orsino likes her."

"Now, hold on just one minute here," Jessie said. "You mean all those pretty words and such were for another girl?"

"No, you weren't completely listening," Buzz replied. "If you listen to the words, you can tell Orsino is conflicted, because his young page, Cesario, resembles a woman. Of course," Buzz smirked again, "I may have overdone it just a little. I don't think caressing a servant like that would have been completely proper."

"Well, this servant didn't have any objections." She scooched her block closer to Buzz's.

"Yes, but it's not like I can play that part onstage like that. It doesn't go with the character."

"Listen to you Mr. Big-shot Actor over here. Talkin' about characters and conflicts, it seems like you've done this before."

"Well…"

"Well, what?" Jessie prodded.

Buzz got up and started pacing with his hands clasped behind his back. "Well, I've been thinking about that actually. I've come to the conclusion that it's simply in my programming. I know many facts about the stars, the planets, physics, mathematics and history, so why not the arts? The manufacturers sent 'Buzz Lightyear' to Star Command, which I can only guess had a rigorous curriculum in every subject imaginable."

"So what does all that have to do with you knowing what all this mumbo-jumbo means?" Jessie asked.

"I think I'm just programmed to analyze and comprehend very quickly." The smirk returned to his face.

Jessie wasn't sure she was getting the whole story. She got up off her block and started walking alongside him. "That's very interesting Buzz, but not entirely convincing." She grabbed his wrist and twirled underneath him to where she had his arm in a vice-grip behind his back. "Now, how did you really know all about that play?"

Buzz struggled ever so slightly before replying. "You'll let me go if I tell you?"

"I'll consider it."

"Well, it probably helped that I asked Trixie to pull up the Cliffnotes version for me on the computer two nights ago. I read the script and then figured out what it all meant from that site."

"Ha! You fibber! Makin' me think you're some brilliant literary scholar; you don't know what it means anymore than I do!"

She let her grip slacken ever so slightly, just enough to give him the advantage. He whirled back around and locked her in his own vice-grip, wrapping his arms around her entire body and pinning her own arms to her sides. They were practically nose-to-nose.

"In any case, I actually know what's going on, and I don't have to read an entire Shakespearean play in two days. Nor do I have to face the wrath of a disgruntled hedgehog if I don't finish. And besides," once again, the smirk returned to his face. It was becoming a frequent visitor in their conversations. "You enjoyed it. Even just a little."

Jessie wasn't all too pleased with the situation. Buzz had the upper hand and that stupid smirk was plastered onto his smug little plastic face. So, she did the only thing she could (aside from a head-butt) that would remove said smirk from said face. She was already close enough, so she leaned in and planted a big wet one right on that Space Boy's smirk. And she let him enjoy it. Slowly, she felt his grip loosen, and just when they broke for air, she sprung around behind him and put him in a headlock until he cried 'Uncle!' They separated, but Jessie leaned in again. The smirk had somehow been transferred to her face. Before she could make another move, Buzz held out his hand to her.

"Truce?" he asked.

She contemplated it. She really liked this flirting thing; he'd gotten better at it since coming to Bonnie's. However, she also liked to hold his hand. So she stuck hers out and accepted the truce. They stayed holding hands for a while and went back to sit on the blocks.

"You know," Buzz said. "Romeo and Juliet never fought like that."

"Oh, well that's because Juliet was a pushover."

"How do you know?" Buss asked.

"_'Come gentle night,- come, loving black brow'd night,/ Give me my Romeo; and when he shall die,/ Take him and cut him out in little stars,/ And he will make the face of Heaven so fine/ That all the world will be in love with night,/ And pay no worship to the garish sun'._"

During her brief monologue Jessie slowly walked over to Buzz and stood behind him. She whispered parts in his ear and gestured upward when she mentioned the stars. When she finished, she stood back, fearing his wings might pop out.

His wings didn't pop out, but his jaw sure was touching the ground.

"You know, you're not the only one with pretty words," she took her finger and closed his mouth. She walked back around the corner, heading to that elusive board game.

It took a moment, but Buzz finally regained consciousness. "Hey!" he called after her. "You know Romeo and Juliet died in the end, right!"

She looked back over her shoulder with that ever-present smirk. "Not in my version they didn't."

_So, what'd ya think? I apologize if it sounded complicated at parts. It helps if you've read some of the plays. Reviews appreciated, as are iambic pentameter, metaphysical conceits, and Spenserian sonnet sequences._


End file.
